Monday, January 17, 2011

Empty Journal
and Procrastination

Monday, January 10, 2011

The New Bar

June 1, 1992

40 ounces 
of colt 45
and hoagie 
to go
but wait 
lets drink in
have some 
ice cream
8 chicken barbecue wings
another 40 ounces
until my eyes get 
and the
world becomes
a blur
at least
I wont get 
my stomach is full
don't drink
on an empty stomach

Tenia 4. 5 meses emabarazada. Sentada en Hoagie City en la esquina de la 5 y Lehigh.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

The Good Darkness

April 1996

They are alive
they look dead
fare branches
living through
cold wind rain
snow bare 
farely moving
with the breeze
inside alive
roots holding firm
into the ground
earth weavings
itself inside and 
around swirling around
thick threads
planted deep in
the ground
deep alive deep
old fervent
will live through
many storms
broken branches
may even tilt
a little from
tornadoes hurricanes thunder 
maybe may even be scorched by lightning
but will live 
through / bud 
will bloom
will flourish
please passersby
with fresh
green colors
white pink
hundreds of
beautiful thoughts
 she is nourished 
by random waterfalls
never complains
about the 
uncertainty of their comings
she craves them
and welcomes them
its surprise arrival
quenches her thirst
and stores extra
for the dry days
Bare Branches
stretched out 
always reaching 
for a blue 
sky to help 
them notice 
help them
remember the 
flowery days
the days of 
sweet smells
+ light wet 
droplets hanging 
on shy anxious 
Those days 
that help you
breathe easier 
let out sighs
take away
the bad darkness
divert any attention
to the desperate 
rendevous in her 

Huracanes secos
letras tras letras
el olor de la lluvia
olor dulce
te ayuda
se queda viva
respira mas facil
con cientos de 

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Portate Bien-Be A Good Girl

8/9 or 8/10 2003
Now the mouth 
was transformed 
it grew + grew
twisted with jagged edges
it could no l onger 
hold the gums
+ the teeth that 
had turned into fangs
words spit out 
some caught on the 
side of his mouth
I saw the letters gather 
The g the o, o, the 
getting ready for the 
next word drive by
I tryed to duck
but got hit in the face 
Portate bien be a good girl
got hit again and again
with scraps of letters 
embedded in my skin

Monday, January 3, 2011

The Moon In Oaxaca

Brilliant stars
touch the midnight blue
Indigo sky
White wash
Yellow walls 
flowers in pots
large terracotta clay
Rain clouds 
in the distance 
hang over the tips 
of the monte alban
Mountain top                                       9/6/98
minutes away 
clouds puff
sun shines in and out 
over and under 
playing games with me 
hide and go seek
I remember all this 
solid clear feeling
Walking bouncing
through the same
500 year ago streets
solid firm in place 
the mind once lost
firm in place   during
all  those Oaxaca days
lost me found me 
in the 5 peso gardenia bouquet
fragrance of the white petals 
surrounds me 
pushed by the sunset's breeze
through the zocalo spaces
Gardenia breeze
moves me to dance 
once hesitant 
now jiggles
across new floors
time to free the heart
to go to its place 
without guilt
legs hips shoulders
breasts free
filled with the music
vibrations of my islands
(finding) my Puerto Rico 
in Oaxaca ---- nights
memories, circles around
my intimate spaces 
remember the bright 
penetrating star 
thinking about the return of 
a thousand miles away nights + days 
last stars
and fingers 
dreaming in a bed of
Jorge's hair
soft as feathers
as the clouds
goodbye touches
and no goodbye moon in Oaxaca
I don't can't remember the moon
I said I can't remember

Oaxaca en el verano del 98 fue un escape de mi vida en fildelfia de mi vida como madre de mi vida en otra relacion destructiva y demasiado larga. 
Recuerdo que mi hermana y yo no estabamos bien. Ella estaba cuidando a Damani que tenia 6 anyos. Cuando la llamo collect ella estaba furiosa. Yo no podia llamar directo porque no habia un telefono en el cuarto. Algo no estaba bien y me dio con miedo.  Me hizo sentir tan mal que no confiaba en ella para cuidar al nene. Pase el dia con tristeza y miedo de que Damani no iba estar bien. Al fin Evelyn y Paul fue a buscarlo. 

Sunday, January 2, 2011

May, 1996

I am alone in a house full of people. 
I live as I did when I was a child.
Always guessing, is today going to be
a good day or a bad day? What does 
all the stamping on the floor mean. Is
she trying to get rid of a mouse or 
something else or someone else. who
is she talking to when she talks out
loud? When she curses out loud?
When she screams? Is she capable of 
hurting real bad? Or Damani? Would 
she do anything to him? I can't answer
any of this. I feel like any minute
every minute I'm going to blow up
because I have no peace. No stillness
inside of me. No security I am alone
and lost in the middle of that Blvd. Forging
through across it alone no mother no father
to help me through. No one to hold my hand
while I cross the street. The Blvd that
swallows me up. I don't ask for any 
help + theres no one around to offer
me any.Its too early in the morning.
A little girl-looking at all sides of 
the street make sure there arent any
cars no danger. but she really 
wants someone to hold her hand
Help her across the Blvd. Easy
no shakes, no stress.

Va ser nueve anyos que murio Mami. Trienta anyos que murio Papi. 
Pase toda mi vida esperando para alguien que me cuidara, que me dara la mano, 
que me ayudara cruzar la calle con seguridad.          
Esa nina de 6 anos cruzo la calle de seis lanes
Es tiempo de reconocer la fuerza de esa nina, el coraje de esa nina, 
el valor y resistencia de esa nina de seis anos navegando ese mundo grande y confuso. 
No puedo descuidar a ella, no mas. Es por ella que estoy aqui, viva.
Es por ella que puedo ver el mundo con ojos de esperanza.
Es por ella que pude criar un hijo sensitivo y creativo.
Es por ella que puedo ver un futuro positivo que veo lo positivo en la humanidad.
Es por ella que decidi no brincar,  
de no realizar la fantasia, 
de liberarme del profundo dolor y ansiedad,
volar de esa ventana, 
en mi cuarto, 
del apartamento en el quinto piso de nuestra vivienda en la 138 y Cypress Avenue en el sur del Bronx.
Es por ella que estoy aqui.