I Will Look Up To You

by Damani Gabriel Lopez 7/21/2012

For his mother Julia Lopez on her 50th Birthday

Before it all, there is a feeling

Something that the beating in your chest

Synchronizes to

Something that makes your eyes glisten

Your pupils eager to learn

When the world offers you its body

Can’t you hear the angels celebrating?

Sounds like kisses from your mother

Your father’s vibrato resonating

In the pockets of your existence

Each as warm as a hug from the womb

But what is life without that

What is life, without my mom

I wish to look up to you,

Coming from the mouth of

A four year old boy

Fresh as soap

Standing in the shower

Tears falling with water

Dripping from the tangle of

His curly hair

 He learned that day,

As each second splashed on the floor,

That you can do things in ways

You’d never expect

 She came into the room

“Mommy, why won’t u dry me?”

“Monkey! You stood here so long,

you dried yourself!”

I wish to look up to you,

Even now as I’ve grown taller

And my assumption that you were a loving giant

Has settled into my imagination,

I know that you will always tower over me

 You teach me that I will always be growing

That when I feel I don’t fit in with the world

You show it to me at a different angle

Showing me that there is always a place to be yourself

I wish to look up to,

Coming from the tongue of an elderly man

His granddaughter on his lap

Telling her stories of her great-grandmother

How she accomplished the impossible

All while keeping a smile on her face

And her heart on her sleeve

That when someone mentioned Julia,

Their day didn’t seem so dark anymore

That when Julia walked in the room,

They remembered what love was

And he’ll smile at how much his granddaughter

Reminds him of her

Sweet dreams sunshine,

You’ve outshined the stars today

And you will everyday

Thanks for brightening up my life,

And guiding the way

I will always look up to you

Later-24 Days

6:59 AM I wake up to start the routine, getting ready to wake up, getting ready to get ready to go to work. 7:55 AM I have a few minutes before I absolutely must slide out of bed, push myself to move in order to be on time. 30 minutes is the absolute least amount of time to be able to make believe like I am making the bed, the least amount of effort, a shake of the comforter, up in the air, floats cumbersome, landing on the bed, covering the majority with few adjustments. Smoothe it out to cover the pillows, the corners and my old plush stuffed monkey. This constitutes the one act of leaving things cleaned up when I leave the house. I grab my towel and head down the hallway to the bathroom, to take a shower. I am painfully aware that I now have 27 minutes to pee and shit, I look forward to sitting on my new toilet seat, good quality. It took me two years to realize the landlord was not going to replace it and that I had to buy a new one, spend 21 dollars and 52 cents, because I deserved to pee on a seat without a crack that pinches my ass if I sit with my weight slightly to the left! 27 minutes to clean my body, arms first, neck, shoulders, breasts, belly, belly button. Gotta get in the creases as I have gained a considerable, perverse unhealthy upsetting amount of weight. Legs, feet, coochie and booty last, brush my teeth-yes, in the shower- pat dry as my 7th grade gym teacher, Mr. Piccinini always said is the best way to dry up. Hang up the towel. Stand in from of the sink, look in the mirror at my tired eyes, ask myself every morning, who am I? Looking like Mami, more and more, as the days go by. Apply deodor-ant, left armpit, right armpit, moisturize with another new lotion that I hope will keep my skin soft and hydrated, apply to face in an upward motion, make believe it will make a difference as the creases get deeper and the wrinkles get wrinkle-lier. Elbows, upper arm flabs, shoulders, stomach, backside-afraid those hair bumps will never smooth out-legs and heals only if I haven't stepped on the floor, which leaves residue and feels nasty on my hands. If I am in the mood, apply eye liner or tweeze out chin hairs or pluck an unruly hair embedded in the corners of my upper and lower lips! I try not to skip any of these steps in caring for my body, what may appear pedestrian, took me 3 years of therapy to create a routine of caring for myself, starting with making sure I bathe and groom on a daily basis, as to not fall into a slump and a slippery slide back down into the black hole that once provided comport and protection from the evils of my past lives. 8:21AM I have to put some pep in my step. I can't miss my Dunkin Donuts run; medium iced coffee, extra extra whole milk, 4 splendas and a bacon egg and cheese on a cinnamon raisin bagel or breakfast wrap or old fashioned donut. What to wear? Decide grey or black work slacks, print or black top to camouflage my chichos, lumps, and bumps, or a skirt with a loose fitting top. Shoes for comfort if I have meetings and need to move back and forth from the Kimmel or our admin offices two blocks down the street or heels if I will be at my desk all day. 8:29 AM gotta get outta here! Purse, car/house keys, open the door, cell phone...where is it? Not in my purse! Run to my bedroom at the end of the hallway, unplug, back down the hallway, open Damani's bedroom door, he's had it closed for the past few years now, wake him up to say goodbye, see if he needs anything or remind him of a task he's been forgetting to do for the past month, then luv you have a good day call me with anything or i'll call you later. Down the rest of the hallway, hand on doorknob, open the door, bells ring as they hit up against the door. 


6:59 AM I wake up to start the routine, getting ready to wake up, getting ready to get ready to go to work. Work? It has a different look these days.