Empty Journal

and Procrastination

1/17/2011

11:30:19AM

The New Bar

June 1, 1992


40 ounces 
of colt 45
and hoagie 
to go
but wait 
lets drink in
have some 
ice cream
8 chicken barbecue wings
1.99
another 40 ounces
until my eyes get 
red
and the
world becomes
a blur
at least
I wont get 
sick
my stomach is full
don't drink
on an empty stomach


Tenia 4. 5 meses emabarazada. Sentada en Hoagie City en la esquina de la 5 y Lehigh.

The Good Darkness

April 1996

They are alive

they look dead

fare branches

living through

cold wind rain

snow bare 

farely moving

with the breeze

inside alive

roots holding firm

into the ground

earth weavings

itself inside and 

out 

around swirling around

thick threads

planted deep in

the ground

deep alive deep

old fervent

consistent

will live through

many storms

broken branches

may even tilt

a little from

tornadoes hurricanes thunder 

maybe may even be scorched by lightning

but will live 

through / bud 

will bloom

will flourish

please passersby

with fresh

green colors

white pink

flowers

hundreds of

petals

beautiful thoughts

 she is nourished 

by random waterfalls

never complains

about the 

uncertainty of their comings

she craves them

and welcomes them

its surprise arrival

quenches her thirst

and stores extra

for the dry days

Bare Branches

stretched out 

always reaching 

for a blue 

sky to help 

them notice 

her 

alive

help them

remember the 

flowery days

the days of 

sweet smells

+ light wet 

mists

droplets hanging 

on shy anxious 

buds

Those days 

that help you

breathe easier 

let out sighs

take away

the bad darkness

divert any attention

to the desperate 

rendevous in her 

shadows

Huracanes secos
letras tras letras
el olor de la lluvia
olor dulce
te ayuda
se queda viva
respira mas facil
con cientos de 
petalos

Portate Bien-Be A Good Girl

8/9 or 8/10 2003

Now the mouth 

was transformed 

it grew + grew

twisted with jagged edges

it could no l onger 

hold the gums

+ the teeth that 

had turned into fangs

words spit out 

some caught on the 

side of his mouth

I saw the letters gather 

The g the o, o, the 

d

getting ready for the 

next word drive by

I tryed to duck

but got hit in the face 

Portate bien be a good girl

got hit again and again

with scraps of letters 

embedded in my skin

The Moon In Oaxaca

Brilliant stars
touch the midnight blue
Indigo sky
White wash
Yellow walls 
flowers in pots
large terracotta clay
Rain clouds 
in the distance 
hang over the tips 
of the monte alban
Mountain top                                       9/6/98
minutes away 
clouds puff
sun shines in and out 
over and under 
playing games with me 
hide and go seek
I remember all this 
colors
solid clear feeling
Walking bouncing
through the same
500 year ago streets
walkways
solid firm in place 
the mind once lost
firm in place   during
all  those Oaxaca days
remembering 
lost me found me 
in the 5 peso gardenia bouquet
fragrance of the white petals 
surrounds me 
pushed by the sunset's breeze
through the zocalo spaces
Gardenia breeze
moves me to dance 
once hesitant 
now jiggles
across new floors
time to free the heart
to go to its place 
without guilt
legs hips shoulders
breasts free
filled with the music
vibrations of my islands
(finding) my Puerto Rico 
in Oaxaca ---- nights
memories, circles around
my intimate spaces 
remember the bright 
penetrating star 
thinking about the return of 
a thousand miles away nights + days 
last stars
and fingers 
dreaming in a bed of
Jorge's hair
soft as feathers
as the clouds
goodbye touches
and no goodbye moon in Oaxaca
I don't can't remember the moon
I said I can't remember


Oaxaca en el verano del 98 fue un escape de mi vida en fildelfia de mi vida como madre de mi vida en otra relacion destructiva y demasiado larga. 
Recuerdo que mi hermana y yo no estabamos bien. Ella estaba cuidando a Damani que tenia 6 anyos. Cuando la llamo collect ella estaba furiosa. Yo no podia llamar directo porque no habia un telefono en el cuarto. Algo no estaba bien y me dio con miedo.  Me hizo sentir tan mal que no confiaba en ella para cuidar al nene. Pase el dia con tristeza y miedo de que Damani no iba estar bien. Al fin Evelyn y Paul fue a buscarlo. 

May, 1996

I am alone in a house full of people. 

I live as I did when I was a child.

Always guessing, is today going to be

a good day or a bad day? What does 

all the stamping on the floor mean. Is

she trying to get rid of a mouse or 

something else or someone else. who

is she talking to when she talks out

loud? When she curses out loud?

When she screams? Is she capable of 

hurting real bad? Or Damani? Would 

she do anything to him? I can't answer

any of this. I feel like any minute

every minute I'm going to blow up

because I have no peace. No stillness

inside of me. No security I am alone

and lost in the middle of that Blvd. Forging

through across it alone no mother no father

to help me through. No one to hold my hand

while I cross the street. The Blvd that

swallows me up. I don't ask for any 

help + theres no one around to offer

me any.Its too early in the morning.

A little girl-looking at all sides of 

the street make sure there arent any

cars no danger. but she really 

wants someone to hold her hand

Help her across the Blvd. Easy

no rush...no shakes, no stress.

Va ser nueve anyos que murio Mami. Trienta anyos que murio Papi. 

Pase toda mi vida esperando para alguien que me cuidara, que me dara la mano, 

que me ayudara cruzar la calle con seguridad.          

Esa nina de 6 anos cruzo la calle de seis lanes. 

Es tiempo de reconocer la fuerza de esa nina, el coraje de esa nina, 

el valor y resistencia de esa nina de seis anos navegando ese mundo grande y confuso. 

No puedo descuidar a ella, no mas. Es por ella que estoy aqui, viva.

Es por ella que puedo ver el mundo con ojos de esperanza.

Es por ella que pude criar un hijo sensitivo y creativo.

Es por ella que puedo ver un futuro positivo que veo lo positivo en la humanidad.

Es por ella que decidi no brincar,  

de no realizar la fantasia, 

de liberarme del profundo dolor y ansiedad,

volar de esa ventana, 

en mi cuarto, 

del apartamento en el quinto piso de nuestra vivienda en la 138 y Cypress Avenue en el sur del Bronx.

Es por ella que estoy aqui.