Adolesencia

june 17, 1991

johnny, magda, and marangeli, came to pick me up at the airport. When they took mw home and after recounting all the wierd shit that happened to me I looked at the kitchen table and there it was! A letter from Michael. The letter that I had been waiting for for so long. Last night at Carmen Violas in Puerto Rico I remembered the last two kisses he gave to me.I felt his lips again on mine last night. It made me cry silently because I didn't want Carmen Viola to hear me. I love him so much. I wonder how I will feel when I see him again or what will I do. A picture it must be old he looks so life beaten. Rough! (will he kiss me?)

5/26/91

Dear Julia

I'm sorry it took so long for me to write to you. Yes I'm doing ok now I would like to see you. Thank you for the picture. I really feel bad for keeping in contact with you. I just hate whe nI'm in trouble I hate calling you. I tryed to call but the phone is you know. I think about you alot. I'm ok Julia I would like to see you. I hope you are doing ok if not thats ok to I still want to see you. As you know my birthday is coming and your birthday i wold like to spend it with you I miss you Julia

Esta manana encontre uno de las docenas de journals que tengo alrerdedor en la casa. Abri la libreta y encontre estas dos entradas. El mio primero y en la siguiente pagina la carta de Michael pegada. Habia escitro en la esquina de la pagina "The letter was sent the day I left for PR". 

Pienso en todas mis relaciones y tengo un patron similar.  Hay variaciones pero con el mismo resultado. Todas mis relaciones no tienen una base en la realidad. Mejor dicho, en mi mente veo alguien totalmente distinto de lo que es en realidad. Siento que no pude salir de la etapa de adolesencia. Quizas es una exageracion. 

Tengo 48 anyos y estoy a menos empezando ver con claridad. 

es como mi voz no existia ella grito y siguio hablando no habia manera de consolarla no podia escupar las palabras que tenia en mi voca todo con ella es tolerancia tenemos que tolerar su comportamiento tenemos que estar caminado encima de juevos cuando estemos a su alrerdedor que voy hacer hago la pregunta tengo que hacer algo es el tiempo de cambiar de no estar ahogada con el silencio tiempo de hablar no tengo voz no tengo voz no tengo voz hasta que decido que si mi voz tiene importancia tiene razon la voz se tiene que ejercer tiene que ser que ser que ser que ser que ser que ser que ser que ser que ser que ser que ser que ser que 

pues asi es como me siento: no la entiendo queria gritar con ella no me estaba escuchando me faltaba el respeto en frente de mi colega de la persona que yo superviso y cuando y se cambio tan rapido cuando llego el grupo com si fuera esquizofrenica me daba miedo no por mi pero por ella gente de dinero y todo lo demas la tolera quieria decirle que no me hable asi que ela no tenia el derecho de hablarme asi tengo que leer mi libro de nuevo-Bullies for Dummies asi es como me siento como una estupida victima con mucho conflicto

Tengo que resolver esto rapido! 

Que Pasa Calabaza

Que me Pasa?
Jet Lag y un descanso tremendo
mi bis-sobrino se durmio a las 8:30pm
a las 9 yo estaba roncando
eso es lo que me dicen
Damani y Analise-mi bissobrina.

Que me Pasa?
Una inquietud.
Un momento estoy totalmente entregada
otro momento estoy con miedo de
tener que estar cuidando
a los que no se pueden cuidarse

Que me Pasa?
quiero mudarme
cambiar de casa
empezar de nuevo
empezando con
un nuevo espacio
que sentido tiene mudarse
cuando lo que es necesario
es poner mi casa en orden

Que me Pasa?
Ya no soy artista
no actuo
y esto de escribir
no se pintar ya
para que sirve
las ganas
los suenos
la angustia
cuando no lo hago

Que me Pasa?
La Vida...

Dias Despues

                                                        Disciplina!                                                      

                                                        no lo tengo                                                      

                                           lo tengo no lo tengo                                         

hoy siento el cansancio

viajando pensando

hablando con el

con ella

una reunion aqui

una reunion alla

en la oficina

el restaurante

el teatro

en la plaza

mucho mucho

se necesita discplina

o un buen

descansito!

El- Como Hail en la Mente

las mananas

son mas dificiles

tengo el- en la mente

desesperacion

no se como hacer esto

vivir esto

duda me ahoga

no confio-

en mi mismo

en la sensacion

las palabras- frases

de carino

de esperanza

miedo es el

el enemigo

mi piel vibra

y quiere escaparse

mis ojos no saben

donde enfocar

hay una tormenta de

hail, hail

pelotas imensas

pelotas en la boca

no puedo hablar

ahogandome

las palabras- frases

se estancan

palabras- frases

que no se puede

entender

aaaaaaaaahhhh

En Espanol-In Spanish except for punctuation!

Mucho tiempo ha pasado.
No he tenido el tiempo para
escribir reflejar pensar hablar
expresar amor
para mi familia, amigos
crear nuevo arte
con palabras
pintura
tijeras y pedazitos de papel
quiero pensar en espanol
lo deje por un rato
cuando tuve que salir
del barrio
cuando tuve que
dejar el trabajo con mi gente
ahora todo es indirecto
no quiero pensar
en otro lenguaje
en otra cultura
aunque sea la otra
es parte de mi
lleno de conflicto
y desesparacion
quiero quiero quiero
hablar hablar pensar pensar escribir escribir
en Espanol el otro colonizador
el otra que es parte de mi
con mucho conflicto
y tristeza
aqui en mi nuevo trabajo
english english english
en todo el arerdedor
perdona todo lo incorrecto
en mi - el hablar mi - escribir
en mi- pensar
perdona los que
no me pueden entender
perdona esta interrrupcion
intentare un mes de esto

It seems to have all 

been standing still.

Where I left it

is a lifetime ago 

another life

everything has changed 

some things the same

I remember her 

see her in the mirror 

everyday 

when I comb 

the knots out of her hair

it is unmanageable now

I see her everyday

when I massage 

the all natural complex 

honey moisturizer 

on her face

the skin is smooth 

still, it is looser than it was

10 years ago

her eyes are dark

still waking up at 5am

still tired but 

different tired

the future is shorter 

now, now 

I look at her face often

in the mirror

in the bathroom 

by the bureau

on the subway 

I look in the mirror 

I don't care 

where I take the glance

i have to look

there's not that much

time left

Lo Que Aparece y Desaparece

Opening Reception Friday, April 9 2010 5-8pm

Taller Puertorriqueño's Lorenzo Homar Gallery

2721 N. 5th Street, Philadelphia, Pa. 19133

(show runs from April 9 - June 5, 2010)

Lo Que Aparece y Desaparece is a mixed media print installation that explores the importance of mark making (those seen and unseen) in art, family and on the path of individuals. Lo Que Aparece y Desaparece was created by Las Gallas Artist Collective specifically for Taller Puertorriqueno’s 35th Anniversary exhibition season, The Graphic R/Evolution, and as an independent project of Philadelphia’s first international print quadrennial The Graphic Unconscious.

A mix of print techniques, including photography, screenprinting, collographs and woodcuts the exhibit explores marks themselves. How are experiences, people, places imprinted on us? How do we manipulate and recombine the artifacts of memory? What does a memory become when it begins to fade? How do we decipher marks with unknown origins? By creating an alternate reality through printmaking Las Gallas hopes to create a space to interact with these questions and the long tradition of printmaking in Latino arts.

Mami graduated

Mami Graduated

Mami was the only child of 9 to graduate from high school circa 1945 in Puerto Rico. Mami told me that none of her siblings or he mother attended her graduation. Only her farther attended. Mami also told me that he sacrificed quite a bit to make sure that she had everything she needed for her graduation day;

a dress made by a friend

flowers for her hair and to pin on her dress

fashionable shoes

I don't know if he actually made her shoes because he was a zapatero. Maybe he saved or borrowed money to buy her a pair. He also had a picture taken in a studio of Mami in her graduation dress. Mami also told me how he picked her up and jumped over a puddle so her shoes wouldn't get messed up. I am not sure if this really happened, it sounds so cliche. I guess it does happen, right? 

There is quite a bit of mystery around why her family did not attend. There is no one left to confirm any of the possibilities of reasons why. I wouldn't even know where to begin to search for cousins. Maybe if she is still there, I can find my cousin Alodia in the Poconos? 

This image is the foundation for all of the work that will be in the exhibit 

"Lo Que Aparece y Desaparece".

Lo Que Aparece 

              foto by J.Lopez

Getting ready for Las Gallas exhibit at Taller Puertorriqueno for the Philagrafika International Quadrennial of Printmaking in Philadelphia. 

I have spent a lot of time with images of Mami, Papi, and an abuelo I never met. Spending hours and hours with these images and reimagine-ing a story; stories that she told me, that he withheld and a story that I never got to hear. All have left an imprint; one that you can  see on my skin and another that is buried within. This play is one that is almost done. I wrote "Graciela" to pay tribute to Mami's struggle as a single mother, as an immigrant, and as a woman who survived domestic abuse. She defended herself from all these trials by creating a world that left a bundle of scars in her abdomen, scars that lined her uterus and electrified her brain cells. Text from "Graciela" will be incorporated in the prints that are being produced for the exhibit. 

WKM Photo Class

  

I am taking a digital photography class with Fernando Alvarez

at the West Kensington Ministry in Norris Square. These fotos 

came from our first assignment; Window Light Portraits. The hands belong

to my great-nephew Cameron who is 5months old:-)

Here are some shots from yesterdays classwork:

Letting Go

 

      Madres Altares installation detail

Letting go is the hardest thing to do. 

I cling to difficult memories as if I couldn't survive without them.

Crisis and angst were the staples of my upbringing. I often can only feel normal if there is a crisis 

at hand. I am working on a series of images for Las Gallas' upcoming exhibition at the 

Taller Puertorriqueno entitled  "Lo Que Aparece y Desaparece". 

I say this is my last works dedicated to my mother , but I can only hope that I will be able to let her go.

Let her and my memory of her be at Peace. To let go of the turmoil that fuels this creative process around my relationship with my mother who has been gone for almost 8 years. My relationship with her and other family members who disappear and appear in my life.

I am coming to realize that this is an almost impossible task. 

Here a e some pics of works in progress:

 

 

Damani + Cameron Antonio

Hijo + Great Nephew

Just thinking

about new life

New Energy

moving forward

no matter how hard

how easy

distracting

uncomfortable

glorious

I met Beth Nixon's

daughter today

Ida, 9months old

piercing + vibrant

blue eyes

bundled up

and strapped

to Mama Beth's back

ready to face

the cold Broad street

whooshy winds and icy air

New life

makes me happy

A baby

a new poem

a new smile on

Damani's face

Marissa's brite

dark brown eyes

hopefull

as she stares

at Cameron's

new face

I got to

remember

that every day

brings a new chance

for new life